


How Do You Feel?

by alleswiiederoffen



Category: Star Trek: Discovery, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Episode: s02e09 Project Daedalus, Flashbacks, Introspection, M/M, Missing Scene, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, several missing scenes actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26738368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alleswiiederoffen/pseuds/alleswiiederoffen
Summary: Set during The Voyage Home. Spock tries to reconnect with his feelings and is reminded of a time that is suddenly strangely relevant.
Relationships: Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	How Do You Feel?

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is my first fan fiction in a very long time, and first attempt at writing in english (not my first language)! this is exciting! i hope you enjoy.

_How do you feel?_

_How do you feel?_

The testing had already been completed, and Amanda had left, but the question he had at first dismissed as irrelevant lingered on Spock's mind. His memories were intact, his intellect sharp as ever, and his _katra_ seemingly unaffected by the ordeal it had withstood. But -- how did he _feel_?

His memories. For a moment there they were all laid out in front of him, as if waiting to be touched and reviewed. There were certainly emotions he could recognize, identify -- emotions he had spent his lifetime controlling and concealing in the Vulcan way, but they were nonetheless familiar to him. A child's inner conflict. Loneliness. Rejection -- and reconciliation. Hope. Friendship. Love.

All Spock could feel now was a disconnect. A lack of understanding.

How could he remember experiencing something with perfect clarity and yet be uncertain that it did indeed happen to him? How could he remember finding hope in the stars, in the glimpse of a signal, forever out of his reach yet always inside of him -- and feel but a faint shadow of this hope now when he tried to grasp for it? How could he so easily picture himself standing next to a man that he knew was a part of him, at whose side he has always belonged -- and not be overcome with this _simple_ _feeling_ that had kept him there in the first place?

Spock walked out of the chambers and gazed at the brown-red sky. Then looked down. There, in the plain at the bottom of the cliff, his associates -- his friends -- were waiting for him. Spock knew, before all else, that he owed them a tremendous debt of gratitude. He owed them his life. And yet, he couldn't help but be perplexed as to why would they do such a thing, and now so calmly and readily accept the consequences. The needs of the many outweighed the needs of the one. To think of a feeling that could defy this indisputable maxim of pure reason... Spock found it inconceivable.

His eyes caught the figure of Admiral Kirk -- whom he earlier saw staring back at the cliff... at him. Spock did not know what to make of that exchange. Fortunately, at present the admiral was fully immersed in his work, listening to the crew's reports and giving final orders before departure. As Spock watched him, no longer preoccupied by the memory testing, he realized an emotional response was present. He sought to identify it.

Anticipation. And -- anxiety.

Most illogical, Spock thought. For years, as he stood by James Kirk's side, he had never felt anxious at his mere presence. Indeed, he trusted this man more than any other soul in the galaxy. He _loved_ him. But then, the Spock that had loved James Kirk died in the reaction chamber of a now destroyed ship. He was dead.

Could this Spock possibly take his place if he no longer even knew himself? Would he be welcome there at all?

A single memory, distant yet clear, flashed in Spock's mind.

***

_"If I may make an observation of my own?"_

_Observation was in Spock's nature. He was, after all, a scientist; furthermore, he liked to regard himself as an observer of humanity. He did not exactly have time for it since beaming aboard Discovery, but this particular predicament that two of the ship's senior staff found themselves in did catch his mind. Being brought back from the dead was not such a wild concept to a Vulcan -- why, with the living spirit of Surak, Father of Logic, still kept alive after 1,900 years by Syrranite tradition... But for a human such an experience would no doubt be traumatising. By the look of Doctor Hugh Culber, this was most certainly true for him: the man looked uncomfortable in his own skin, detached and in shock. What confused Spock the most was the dazzling display of illogic on the part of Lieutenant Commander Stamets. In his previous observations Spock had come to the conclusion that in a way, the commander reminded him of himself -- as much as a human could. Also a scientist, a brilliant mind deeply enamored with the subject of his study but not so proficient in communication with fellow human beings; a keen explorer driven to the edge of the galaxy by his curiosity, and a man with almost obsessive tendencies that would much sooner neglect his own personal needs than his work. But there was a difference: Stamets had found this human connection, this thing called love -- and then lost it... And then found again. No part of that was something Spock could easily understand, beginning with the emotion itself, but still, what little he saw of Stamets' response to the situation baffled him. It was not just informed by emotion, as was to be expected with humans -- emotion blinded him to the point of ignorance of his husband's condition. How could he be so eager to resume the life they had once shared, that he neglected to stop for even one second and ask the man he loved the simplest of questions -- How do you feel?_

_It was almost... selfish, Spock thought. He wondered if such was the ingrained nature of this thing humans called romantic love._

_Stamets' expression shifted. Curiosity -- or, perhaps, feeling challenged._

_"I saw Doctor Culber move out of your shared quarters." A flash of pain -- well-concealed, almost Vulcan -- ran through Stamets' face. "You seemed quite upset."_

_"Yes, he said he needs distance."_

_"I submit that your asssessment of the situation may be inverted." Spock paused, considering his next words. "Perhaps he needs distance not because he no longer has feelings for you but because he no longer knows how to feel about himself."_

_Stamets did not reply._

_Spock turned back to his work, but the irony of him giving unsolicited relationship advice caught up with him. Why, he might as well have been talking about himself. Except in his case, '_ not knowing how to feel about himself' _was less a product of circumstances and more of a state of mind._

_***_

_The time suit was nearing completion. The imminent battle against Control already seemed to be just as much a battle against time. Computing several equasions in his head simultaneously, Spock scurried through the halls of the_ Discovery _on autopilot, barely aware of his surroundings. He had managed to evade several crewmembers, who were in a similar hurry, but as he went on, he finally did collide with someone coming out of a transporter room -- a man in medical white._

_"Doctor Culber," Spock said, startled._

_"Sorry, Lieutenant."_

_"...It had been my impression that you chose to stay behind on board the Enterprise."_

_"Well, I'm needed here."_

_Spock stood for a second, calculating whether or not he could take another moment to humor his curiosity._

_"Would it be presumptuous to infer that your feelings for Commander Stamets have changed?"_

_Culber shook his head and smiled._

_"They were always there," he said with confidence. "I just had to give myself time and space to process them. But in the end... I guess, there really is no running away from someone who has not only been the love of your life, but who personally walked through hell to bring you back to that life. If there is ever such a thing as destiny... Then mine is to be at his side. And -- as I was told -- the only way to make a new road is to walk it."_

_He looked at Spock, both taken aback by this impromptu revelation._

_"Sorry."_

_"Don't be, Doctor," Spock said quietly. He continued on his swift way to Engineering, but the feeling that Culber's words had stirred in his chest was still there, strong and, for the moment, quite indescribable._

***

An irony, Spock thought, snapping out of these distant memories. A humorous effect achieved by complete subversion of expectation. How curiously... human.

He turned his face up to the sky once again and supplied from memory a map of the stars, as seen from Vulcan's southern hemisphere in this time of the year. On it, he calculated the location of a most familiar set of coordinates -- the signal set by his sister twenty-nine years ago. It was not a logical thing to do. But, as Spock placed this singular dot in the vast sky above him, he felt a surge of hope -- the same one he had carried with him all these years, a source of stability and clarity of thought even in the dimmest of times. His _balance_. It was coming back.

At the bottom of the mountain stood the person farthest from him. Parted from him -- and never parted.

Spock knew: all he had to do was reach for him. Walk a new road.

He turned and made his way down.


End file.
